I was a warrior; I always felt
that it was in my lineage…. Like many of my million siblings, I grew up with
it.
Even today, when I am at the
crossroads of life and death, I feel the same way; only that I am contemplating
my own destiny now.
I was a child, once, who
inherited fear. I was scared of many million things on earth; Loneliness was
the scariest of all. I still remember how at my backyard I used to stare at the
stars- my only true companions. I felt no one wanted to be friends with me;
they never looked at me as a person to be friends with.
But with time, my fear was fading
– I made friends, I fought for what I stood for, I spoke up. I was becoming a
fearless warrior and that was the best part of my life. I was desperate to
start a new life, to conquer all my fears. But, today, I feel that eeriness of
fear haunting me again like in my childhood and here I am searching for my
identity.
When I look outside the window, I
see the stars glaring at me – they are shining so bright like never before. May
be they could once again tame my fear, as I fade into them like I have always
wanted to…I am not crying, my agony is now peaceful.
Memories reel in…That’s one
essentiality before death, to refresh those good and bad moments of life that
took you to where you are today, for one last time.
I love you maa and paa. When you
prayed for my prosperity to “our god” amongst other gods in the puja room , I
had promised that I would do all what I can to excel like him and to make life
better for my brothers who suffer. Whenever I was fighting for justice at my
college, I thought I was nearing my goal. But, I realize that I was wrong about
my understanding about love, life and pain. Of course, I know that you both and
my friends loved me to the core.
I never felt dejected when I was
thrown out of hostel and was living in the makeshift tents, I never felt
defeated when I fought for the movie screening at Delhi university. I thought I
was fighting for a cause; I indeed was. I thought what I did would make a
difference; it might have. But, nothing seems to make sense for me now. Life is
taking me somewhere else…
May be I am done fighting with
this world; with myself. Pain and life is mysteriously intertwined. I am done
inflicting this pain on me.
In my college days, I wished that
I be known as a fighter, someone like “my god” who was fearless in helping his
fellowmen. I had faith on my wish. Today, I don’t wish that my death be
celebrated…I don’t wish to be a martyr.
I now dream of peace, of stars, of a
world where I wouldn’t be judged for what I am and for what I wish for. A world,
where I wouldn’t have to fight for my identity and for my rights. A world,
where no one would look at me as a person not to be friends with.
A world,
where I will not have a name….
Until yesterday, I had a name…And
that was Rohit Vemula…!!!
